Mitzpeh Matchmaker: Uri Farber and Eleanna Weissman

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By Yakira Cohen
Features editor
@CohenYakira

A journey through Dunkin’ Donuts, the Memorial Chapel Gardens, 7/11 and the Commons Shop transformed junior criminology and criminal justice major Eleanna Weissman’s “pretentious” and “creepy” high school classmate into someone she would wish a “good shabbos” to. Uri Farber, a junior Letters and Sciences student, met Weissman Sunday night dressed to impress in his Tae Kwon Do uniform and carrying a Ziploc bag of authentic Hillel chicken (which Weissman disposed of during the date). Although the two were in plays together in high school, both said they hadn’t seen much of each other in college. This date changed that, perhaps instigating a new form of “play”: two hours after their scheduled date time at Dunkin’, the pair was MIA and unreachable by phone for interview. Further investigation revealed that they were busy making hot chocolate and watching SpaceBalls in Weissman’s Domain apartment.

Farber (left), decked out in Tae Kwon Do attire, poses with Weissman. Photo taken by Uri Farber.

What was your first thought when you saw your date?
Uri: I laughed. It’s Weissman.
Eleanna: It’s Farber. He was probably the fourth creepiest guy in my high school class, so he was right in the sweet spot.

What did your date’s order say about their personality?
U: She didn’t order anything.
E: He asked for hot chocolate and then they said they were out of hot chocolate, so they gave him coffee instead. Which is I think an adequate metaphor for how the whole date went in general: you go to a place expecting hot chocolate and you get coffee instead, and it’s like ‘oh, that’s not what I wanted’. It’s definitely not as sweet as I wanted, but it’s still productive I suppose?
*note: Farber said he got tea, not coffee, when there was no hot chocolate. Take from that what you will.

You and your date are stranded on a desert island. How do you survive?
U: One of us probably has a knife on us at any given time, so that helps. If there’s no water, we’re not surviving. It’s like not having Torah. That’s probably the first thing I would do – write Torah in the sand. That way I have it.
E: I want to say that I eat him…but he’s pretty confident in his Tae Kwon Do skills. We’d probably get sick of each other real quick.

How would you rate your date, on a scale of “one” to “one-derful”?

U: *makes face*
E: I’d compare it to the first three lines of the Bee Movie: According to all known laws of aviation, bees should not be able to fly. Their wings are too small to get their fat little bodies off the ground. And yet the bee flies anyways because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.

What will your kids be like?
U: ADD. Severe.
E: Hopefully nothing like me. Hopefully nothing like Farber, either.

Do you think you will go out again?
U: No.
E: Probably not. It was fun to catch up … but I don’t know…

Any advice for our readers?
U: If you’re gonna wash whites and colors together, you should use cold water.
E: Go ahead and sign up. Who gives a damn, it’s fun, why not?

 

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