After tirelessly working up an appetite the entire morning, I decided to try this chic, new kosher restaurant on campus: the Maryland Hillel Dining Hall. As I made my way into the small bistro from the windy College Park streets, I was greeted by the overpowering smell of meat. The lobby of the restaurant was buzzing with happy patrons enjoying their delicious meals and completing work tasks. I cautiously approached the host stand and was rebuffed by the maître d’, who was too busy on her computer to seat me. “Just scan and go in,” her voice boomed and shook.

I was overcome with disappointment when I learned that, aside from the rude waiter, the restaurant had no servers at all. I lumbered across the room toward the buffet to be pleasantly surprised by the wide assortment of food. The smorgasbord included more than four options for mains, at least two of which looked edible. The adventurous side of me took over and chose the Kansas City BBQ burnt beef tips, a name shorter than the time it took to chew through one of the tips. The egg noodles that accompanied the resilient meat were somehow both over- and undercooked. While some fell apart as they were shoved onto the plate, others churched between my teeth.

For my second course, I moved on to the hamburger. The ideal hamburger is thick and juicy with a subtle texture, and plenty of crispy edges from contact with the grill. This hamburger failed to meat – excuse the pun – any of the qualifications. The thin, rubbery patty coated the inside of my mouth with a greasy film. To help make the burger more palatable, I added French fries to my paper plate. After asking the chef if the fries were cooked in lard, the traditional frying fat, or some lesser-seed oil, I was given the unfortunate answer. Some of the fries were soggy with oil, while others were burnt. I did, however, have one perfect fry: measuring just over 6 and ¾ inches in length, the fry was perfectly cooked and seasoned. A Shining needle in a haystack of mediocrity. The highlight of the meal was, as it too often is, a cold Dr. Pepper.

The cold, soggy, underseasoned meal was underwhelming. I cannot recommend this restaurant to anyone with working taste buds or nostrils. If I were taken to prison and, as a last meal, was given the food that Hillel saw fit to serve, I would go to Gan Eden hungry. I award them 1 star.