Recently, I was speaking to a friend who shared that they wanted to start coming to minyan more often. But something was holding them back. When they showed up, people would make comments, even jokes, about their attendance. These seemingly lighthearted jokes were clearly discouraging. My friend wanted to make a positive change, but suddenly, doing something different from their usual routine meant having to deal with everyone else’s reaction to it. And at a certain point, they wondered whether it was even worth it.
I haven’t stopped thinking about that conversation. And haven’t we all been there in some way? Maybe you want to do better in school, eat healthier, spend less time on your phone, be more present in your friendships; you name it.
A community can inspire someone to grow, but it can also unintentionally make that growth harder. Sometimes we become so accustomed to seeing someone in a certain way that we don’t leave room for them to become someone different. And sometimes, we allow other people’s expectations of us to do the same.
In this week’s parsha, Vayera, a story about Avraham’s nephew Lot shows how powerful the influence of our surroundings can be. Lot had chosen to settle in Sodom, a city the Torah describes as deeply corrupt. God is about to destroy the city, and Lot and his family are allowed to escape. At the very moment when the right choice seems so obvious, the Torah tells us, וַיִּתְמַהְמָהּ — “But he hesitated.” (Bereishit 19:16).
Rashi explains that Lot hesitated because he was concerned about leaving behind his wealth and possessions. While this attachment to materialism is significant on its own, I want to look at his hesitation from a psychological perspective: How difficult is it to separate from the versions of ourselves we’ve grown comfortable with, even when we recognize that we could be striving for more?
Rav Mordechai Burg offers a powerful perspective on this struggle. He explains that the hardest part of change isn’t always making the change, but accepting that what once worked for us might not work anymore. There’s comfort in familiarity, even when it holds us back.
Lot’s hesitation is understandable. Wouldn’t any of us struggle with that? Whether it’s making the decision to move to Israel, walking away from a relationship, growing closer to Hashem, reconsidering our career paths, or simply making a change in our everyday lives, we tend to assume that once we recognize something isn’t right for us, moving on should be easy. But there’s a difference between knowing we need to leave something behind and actually being willing to do it. And while Lot is hesitating, the angels step in. “וַיַּחֲזִקוּ הָאֲנָשִׁים בְּיָדוֹ ….וַיֹּצִאֻ֥הוּ” — “So the angels seized his hand…. and brought him out“ (Bereishit 19:16). They take Lot by the hand, and physically lead him out of the city.
It says in Tehillim, סוּר מֵרָע וַעֲשֵׂה טוֹב — “Turn away (or shun) from evil and do good.” (34:15). There are two parts to this instruction. Lot couldn’t just turn his back on Sodom. He needed to leave it behind. And the same is true for us. The second half of the pasuk is saying, actually, do it. Change is uncomfortable. People might have opinions. We can’t spend our lives waiting for others to approve of who we’re becoming.
And just as the angels took Lot’s hand, we have the opportunity to do the same for one another. To encourage someone who’s trying something new. We don’t have to fit into the categories others assign to us, and we shouldn’t be assigning those categories either. Allow yourself to grow, shift, and change, and make room for the people around you to do the same.
