By Yakira CohenEditor-in-chief@CohenYakira

On April 29, Jacob “two-timing” Nelson, a graduating finance and information systems major, was spotted wandering around downtown Hyattsville in the Vigilante Coffee area. A year and a half since his dairy debacle with then-lover Adina Arnet, Nelson enrolled in our services again, becoming the first and only participant to sign up – and attend – two Mitzpeh Matchmaker dates. But he didn’t realize that the search for Mrs. Nelson would really entail a far more treacherous search: the search for the correct Vigilante Coffee shop.

Meanwhile, Chen “antibody” Menashe, a sophomore neuroscience major, sat in the Vigilante Coffee College Park, playing “Sticky” by The Maine on repeat (participants were instructed to play a bougie song to identify their date). She had requested to be matched with a “blonde vibe,” which anonymous sources claim she attempted to match with her yellow shirt (below), and arrived seven minutes early to scout him out. She waited. Then, she waited some more. An estimated thirty three minutes after the assigned start time, a sandy-haired Nelson finally located the correct Vigilante store and the pair began the final Mitzpeh Matchmaker feature of this generation.

Here’s what happened:

Menashe and Nelson outside the correct Vigilante Coffee in College Park. Photo courtesy of Chen Menashe.

What did your date’s order say about their personality?Jacob: I believe she got iced coffee with oat milk … she likes to not go with such a typical conventional thing, but she doesn’t want to venture too far out of social norms. Because an iced coffee is a classic drink that I myself might get every single time. But the oat milk really is an aspect that I didn’t see coming at all. I think people need a little bit of an adventurous side. You don’t want someone who’s going to straight-up order just a tall glass of oat milk. That would be a little freaky. Chen: He’s never been Vigilante, but he says he likes coffee, so that was concerning. First he said he wanted to get DECAF, and then he asked the barista if caffeinated coffee is better, so that says a lot.  

How optimistic are you about the future existence of your relationship, on a scale of the up-and-coming, definitely-happening new Hillel center to the nearly-defunct AFB building?J: That’s a good question. I would put it as the purple line. Possible. Will it ever really happen? Probably not. Is the purple line even real? Debatable. That being said, I did enjoy the date, but because I’ll be leaving UMD in a month, I don’t necessarily see it going anywhere serious. C: As not optimistic as the Hillel building being built 

Rumor has it you/Chen has more than 250 times the number of antibodies needed to protect against COVID-19 despite having been infected over a year ago. Please reflect on what this means for the future of your relationship. Feel free to address how it will impact your kids.J: I think the level of antibodies is directly correlated with the level of superhuman ability that you have, which makes a lot of sense because Chen is the type of person that is easily approachable, able to talk to anyone. Even on our date, some guy came up and asked for money. She immediately gave him $10, which is a superhuman thing to do. It makes sense to me that she would have so many antibodies because she does everything in a superhuman type of way. In regard to our future, I think it would only help. Theoretically, I see our kids being like the Incredibles … but I think it’s only a positive, an antibody positive…C: My kids will have superior antibodies. Immune to everything.

Jacob/you will be graduating in less than one month and moving on to the “real world.” How do you plan to maintain a healthy work/Chen balance as a couple?J: I think as in life, everything is about a good amount of balance. On the work side, I think I’ll be working from home for long periods of time, or at least in the upcoming future. So I think that will allow me to focus more on the Chen side of things. I do plan on visiting College Park next year … but will that be part of Chen balance, or will that just be to visit other friends … who knows?C: Why are you assuming we’re a couple? I thought he already graduated.

Who wears the pants?J: It’s gotta be Vigilante Cafe. They tricked me into going all the way out of my way… they’re the ones really controlling my life at the momentC: I wore pants; he wore shorts.

Who would win in the Hunger Games? What about a game of “Yente”?**J: *In response to Hunger Games*I think I would die right away. I don’t have a survival instinct inside of me. I don’t know if Chen would win the Hunger Games, but she would definitely make it further than I would.*In response to Yente*Considering that I know all the cards by heart, and because I produced the game and theoretically might come out with an expansion pack (just kidding, we don’t have the funding for that, buy Yente games), I think I would win in a game of Yente. 

C: In response to Hunger GamesDefinitely Nelson.In response to YenteI have no idea what Yente is… wait isn’t that the game that he made up? I don’t even know what it is. 

**Yente is a Jewish card game created by Nelson

What will your kids be like?J: Our kids will just be absolute ballers. Coolest kids on the block. All right, so on one side of the family, we have swag, Israeli, dog-lover, all out cool person. On the other side of the family, we got the Yente jokester, with, I guess, a nice love of schmoozing. So you put that all in one big pile, and you get the absolute coolest kid. Everyone’s gonna want to go to their birthday parties. Everyone’s gonna want to hang out with them. Everyone’s gonna want them to autograph all of their body parts, and I don’t know what else to say.C: Whose kids? I’m vaccinated; no kids in the future.

How has this date changed your life?J: Well, if I’m being honest with you, my conversations with Chen have been limited in the past, and I never realized how fun it is to talk with her. Also, we also got to make fun of Kira, which is always a plus.C: I learned to be patient. And that there’s more than one Vigilante. 

Do you think you will go out again?J: We might hang out in the future. I don’t know if I’d describe it as “going out.”C: Probably not. 

What was it like to go on the last Mitzpeh Matchmaker date ever to be facilitated by me?J: I was actually thinking about that. It’s kind of sad to me that such a powerful person running Mitzpeh will be leaving. It makes me think of all the other things that will be ending, like college, AFB, COVID, not that COVID is really sad at all, that’s kind of a happy one. I think that this last Mitzpeh Matchmaker date is representative of many other lasts and it’s making me think that I really want to enjoy the last month of school while I still have it. And it will be a part of a group of memories that I’ll take with me for the rest of my life. C: Honestly, it was everything I expected it to be, and more: The waiting. The suspense. The coffee. 

Compare this date to your last Mitzpeh Matchmaker date (Nelson only):J: That’s a little bit of a serious question right there. Kira, I think you’re just putting me in a lose-lose situation right here. I will say my last Mitzpeh Matchmaker date, we went to the Maryland Dairy. But this time we went to get coffee. It might be controversial, but I do think I enjoy coffee more than ice cream, but I think each has a time and place. In terms of the people I went with, both were amazing people and I think they have to go on a Mitzpeh date of their own … together.

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